Hogwarts Polka
by TrueBlueSpark
Summary: We take a look at Harry's friends, family, and enemies, filtered through several Muggle songs. A song parody of "Weird Al" Yankovic's "Polka Party!", featuring InDenial!Ron, Playa!Draco, and Confused!Lockhart. (Rated PG for broomstick jokes.) [complete]


**Hogwarts Polka  
a parody of "Polka Party!", by "Weird Al" Yankovic  
written by Shay Caron  
based on the Harry Potter series, which belongs to J.K. Rowling**

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[_Open on your friend and mine, Harry Potter, sitting in an empty classroom and looking a bit depressed. Behind him, the ghost of James Potter appears and begins singing, unnoticed (at least consciously) by his son._]

[_Sledgehammer/Peter Gabriel_]  
**JAMES:** Your parents are proud of you  
We've been watching over you for so long  
Now you've seen a ghostly stag, glowing  
Harry, you can call me "Prongs"  
I wanna be... your _Patronus_  
Why don't you call me out?  
Ah! Oh, let me be your _Patronus_  
I can finally protect you now... now!

[_James vanishes as a slightly more cheerful Harry notices Ron Weasley enter the room, along with a few other students. Harry grins at him and turns to us._]

[_Sussudio/Phil Collins_]  
**HARRY:** There's a girl that's been on his mind  
All the time  
Her-Hermione  
[_Ron immediately launches into a litany of denials as Harry continues -- "No way! Never! I don't know where you heard that, but it's a lie!" etc._]  
Oh-oh!  
Now those two argue every day  
But I think she likes him anyway  
Yeah, Hermione...  
[_Ron stops his ranting, mouth agape and ears red, then asks, "You really think so?"_]  
Whoa-oh!

[_Ron recovers from his surprise and begins singing himself. Everyone else in the room has noticed them and is watching with interest._]

[_Party All the Time/Eddie Murphy_]  
**RON:** But my girl wants to  
Study all the time, study all the time, study all the time  
My girl wants to study all the time  
Study all the time  
It really is a crime

[_Harry and Ron finally notice that Hermione Granger has entered when she puts them in a double headlock. She tries to look mad at Ron, but her grin gives her away._]

[_Say You, Say Me/Lionel Richie_]  
**HERMIONE:** Potter, Weasley  
And Granger always  
That's the way it should be  
**HARRY:** There's me  
**RON:** And me  
**HERMIONE:** And me together  
**TRIO:** Naturally

[_Abruptly Draco Malfoy and his entourage (Crabbe and Goyle, of course) burst in. Malfoy is grinning lecherously and making eyes at every girl he passes. He seems to think he's Bachelor of the Year or some nonsense like that._]

[_Freeway of Love/Aretha Franklin_]  
**MALFOY:** Hey, let's go riding on my broomstick of love  
**CRABBE, GOYLE:** (He's a million volts)  
**MALFOY:** Girls, let's go riding on my broomstick of love  
**CRABBE, GOYLE:** (It's a new Firebolt)

[_The trio glare at Malfoy, who rewards them with his trademark smirk._]

[_What You Need/INXS_]  
**HARRY:** More like... a twig...  
**RON:** Ohhh, that's right...   
**HERMIONE:** I would not go near you in a thousand years!

[_Malfoy snarls at the trio. Harry leaps forward and he and Malfoy almost start a fistfight, but Professor Dumbledore Apparates into the room and pulls them apart._]

[_Harlem Shuffle/The Rolling Stones_]  
**DUMBLEDORE:** [_very cheerfully_] Ja, ja, ja, do the Hogwarts polka  
Everybody now!  
**ALL:** [_some with more enthusiasm than others_] Ja, ja, ja, do the Hogwarts polka

[_Abruptly a Golden Snitch flies past Harry, who grabs it reflexively. Quidditch commentator Lee Jordan pokes his head in, followed by Ginny Weasley and Colin Creevey._]

[_Venus/Shocking Blue_]  
**LEE:** He's caught it  
Yeah, baby, he's caught it  
Well, he's their Seeker  
**GINNY:** No one's hotter  
**COLIN:** Hooray for Potter!

[_Professors McGonagall and Snape enter, deep in an argument._]

[_Nasty/Janet Jackson_]  
**MCGONAGALL:** Nasty! Slytherins are just so cruel  
Oh, you Slytherins  
**SNAPE:** Nasty! Gryffindors ignore the rules  
Oh, you Gryffindors

[_Ex-Professor Lockhart wanders in, pursued by several lovestruck women, including Ron and Ginny's mother, Molly Weasley._]

**RON:** I hate this part.

[_Rock Me Amadeus/Falco_]  
**MOLLY:** [_swooning_] Oooh! Rock me, Gilderoy!  
**HERMIONE:** [_giggling_] Oooh! Rock me, Gilderoy!  
**RON:** [_sarcastically_] Oooh. Rock me, Gilderoy.  
**LOCKHART:** [_obviously confused_] Who?

[_Hagrid joins the group, holding a large piece of parchment in his hand._]

[_Shout/Tears for Fears_]  
**HAGRID:** Food! Toys! A house in the weeds  
These are the things that my new pet needs  
Come on, we've gotta go shop  
Come on

[_Harry stands in the center of the room, in preparation for the final number._]

[_Papa Don't Preach/Madonna_]  
**HARRY:** Oh, Dumbledore, please, I'm in trouble deep  
Dumbledore, please, I've been losing sleep  
But I've made up my mind  
I'm gonna keep fighting  
I've gotta keep on fighting  
**TRIO:** We've gotta keep on fighting!  
**OTHER STUDENTS:** (Keep on fighting)  
**TEACHERS:** (Keep on fighting)  
**MALFOY, CRABBE, GOYLE:** [_with no enthusiasm at all_] (Keep on fighting)

**ALL:** Hey!

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_Hogwarts Polka  
6/19/2003 -- Completed_


End file.
